Here I Am

Again.

169 posts out of 365 days. What is that? Almost 50%, right? Plus, you know, the ten or so drafts waiting around for me to finish up and post. So, not a bad showing, considering my ideal versus my reality. But not the 100% I envisioned this time last year.

I'm conflicted.

Part of me wants to berate myself for slacking so badly. Another part of me thinks 50% is actually really good, realistically. The rest of me wonders if I should close this book, or make another go at it for 2012. It was supposed to be a one year project. But it's not as if I've run out of things to be thankful for.

Should I continue on? Could I continue on? If I do, it's important to take into consideration the very real fact: I may not be any more capable of completing a year of Thankful Heart posts this year than I was last year. Will my self-esteem survive the beating I will most likely give it if I start again but do not finish (again)? Maybe that will be offset by the fact that gratitude unexpressed is wasted.

I dunno. Being "under the weather" makes me a little morose and introspective. Maybe I should tackle all of this existential angst when I'm feeling better.

I'm conflicted.

But! I am grateful for my life, and for the opportunity to take stock of who I am and where I am, what I have been blessed with and what I have to offer. 2011 was a very blessed year for me, because I deliberately chose to focus on the blessings. I look forward to more of the same in 2012.  Perhaps that's my answer.

Birthday Rain

Today is my birthday. It's raining outside. I didn't know it was raining until my son told me when he walked in the door from Early Morning Seminary. We have had a long streak of bright, sunny days, so I was kind of expecting more of the same. But I don't mind. Rain is a great birthday present.

Seven years ago, we were in a drought, quite a bad one, actually. Everyone was praying for rain. We had been praying for months. Our church congregation held a fast. The lacking rain was all we seemed to talk about. My little children prayed for rain at every meal, and during our family prayers, and when they asked me to listen to their sweet little personal prayers.

That year, my oldest turned seven. I threw a backyard costume party, full of family and friends. It was lots of people and lots of fun, all over our yard.

And then it started to rain.

In a mad, panicked dash, we hustled all the party-goers and food and gifts into my tiny house. We crammed into the living room and had the present-opening. It was like a gift-wrapped mosh pit. There were enough of us that we started to fog up the windows, but we couldn't open them because it was raining so hard. It rained and poured and pounded.

I was cranky about it, to be honest. Here I had put all this effort into a great party for my kid, and it had to go and rain. Then my son came to me and said, with a beaming face, "Mommy! Isn't it great? Heavenly Father gave me rain for my birthday!"

And I remembered. It was raining! We needed this rain. We had been praying for this rain. My son had been praying for it, and here it was, on his special day. Best birthday gift ever: an answered prayer and a more sure testimony that God is in His heaven, and hears and answers us.

So, today, on my birthday, I am very grateful for the rain. I am grateful for cooler weather, and an excuse to cuddle under warm, fuzzy blankets with my kids. We're taking the day off from school, and I may or may not just blog all day long. Or not. I am grateful for my mom, who gave me such a wonderful heritage and upbringing, and who had me on her mom's birthday. That has always meant a great deal to me, sharing my day with my grandma. Thanks. Mom.

What are you blessed with today?

Holding Down the Fort

Today was a busy, busy day. I really am a home body, so it rattles me a bit on these kind of days. All of the leaving and arriving and appointments and errands gets me all turned around and befuddled.

Somehow, I managed to make it to all the meetings, and keep all the crucial commitments, and none of my children starved and all of them did school. A huge shout-out goes to my three oldest for making sure that's what happened.

I am grateful for the people who are holding down the fort when it's not me. I am grateful for my children who are thoughtful, capable people; who accept responsibility when I ask, and who take pleasure in cheering up little children and in a job well done. I am grateful that tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere in particular.

Moon Rise

It was my husband's idea to watch the moon rise. It was my idea to do it for Family Home Evening.

We were late (as in, not in place to watch it as it came over the horizon), but only by a few minutes. We took the children out of town to a perfect rise-and-set spot. We all ooohed and aahhed, the children explored, the baby slept, the toddler exclaimed in wonder, "Yook at da moon! Uh moon!" over and over. We talked a little bit about how all of Nature testifies of God, and our gratitude for such a beautiful world.

Did you know that the full moon always rises at sunset? Technically, the moon was full at 4:27 Tuesday morning, but that meant it looked full for three days in a row.

And the moon was beautiful. It looked like a pearl, rising opposite a glorious and fiery sunset.

After the sun was all the way gone, and it was getting quite dark, I walked down the hill to get a water bottle from the van. As I walked back to my family I looked up; silhouetted against the sky, I saw my girls dancing. What a beautiful, whimsical sight. The whole evening was a feast for my eyes and heart.

I am grateful for the moon rise. I am grateful for time with my family. I am grateful for a day so lovely and mild as this one. I am grateful for my children, who still retain their wonder and awe of the beauty and majesty around them.

What are you blessed with today?

A Thankful Little Heart

Last night, as we were all gathered in the playroom for family scripture study and prayers when I found a folded piece of paper on the floor, with "my thankfall list" written on the outside. Interested, I unfolded it and found this:

small and simple things
my dall
my family
Aroru
frend's
chaklet
hot gloo guns
the holy ghost
borbr shops
pezza
cloths
my stripy blanket
Eliza
the gospol
Hevinly Fathr and Jesuss
the erth
smily fasis (with a smiley face next to it)
the schriptrs
the charch
primairi
mistiunary's
hospitl's
calring book's
cartoon
family homeivning
candy

And then my little girl signed it.

I am grateful for my daughter's thankful little heart. I am pleased that she is thankful for at least two of her sisters, and that she notices the little things (coloring books, hot glue guns) and the big things (the earth, Heavenly Father and Jesus). I think having a thankful heart is contagious. And I am grateful for that, too.

What are you blessed with today?

Floaty Suit

My toddler - well,  I refer to him as a toddler, but really he is almost three. He doesn't "toddle" at all, he runs and climbs and jumps and does gymnastics everywhere he goes. He's a little kinetic ball of enthusiasm and destruction. He is focused and fearless.

Tonight we went swimming as a family. My fearless little man marched up to the diving board - much to the amusement of all the college students at the pool with us - and stood on the edge, gauging the awesomeness of jumping off against the terror of jumping in. He had on the floaty swimming suit, and my husband was treading water under the diving board to help him back to the shallow end.

Still, my son stood there. It wasn't long before every person at the pool had stopped what they were doing and were watching this pint-sized diver on the diving board. Finally, my oldest daughter walked out on the diving board and helped him jump in. The pool erupted into spontaneous applause.

I am grateful for that floaty suit. It was given to us by a friend, and it enables my boy to swim and splash and play with wild abandon...and hog the diving board without giving the life guards or his mother a heart attack. I am grateful for the life guards, who love my little boy and are so patient with him. I am grateful for two dozen college kids who don't know us from Adam, who clapped for my toddler when he finally dived in the pool. He was grinning like a million bucks.

What are you blessed with today?

Sick as a Dog

I am sick today. Not the hip sort of sick, or the mental type. No, it's the "I don't feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck, but I wish I had been, because then I wouldn't feel anything" kind of sick.

I am not grateful to be sick. Let's just get that out there. Being sick does, however, bring many things into sharp focus that I am grateful for. So I will list them for you here.

I am grateful for my older children, who help run the show while I am down for the count. They cook, the field phone calls, they fetch things, they change diapers, they entertain the wee folk so I can sleep, they even "shush" them up for me while I am sleeping.

I am grateful for my husband, who loves me and pampers me, and feels really, really, really sorry that I am sick.

I am grateful for the people in my life (outside the home) who are concerned for me, and offer to do whatever they can to lift and assist.

I am grateful for good books, that distract me temporarily from my misery.

I am grateful for painkillers.

I am grateful for a comfy bed to curl up in.

I am grateful for sleep, so I can be unaware of being sick for entire blocks of time.

I am grateful for opposition, because if I was always healthy, I wouldn't know how nice it is or appreciate it very much. I hesitate to put that on the list, because I don't want God to think I'm asking for additional opposition in my life. Ready or not!...

I am not grateful to be sick as a dog. I am going to be really grateful to get over this and get on with my life.

What are you blessed with today?